A vow to myself.
Conversations with very close friends within the past few weeks and my actions within the past few months have made me realize something very important in my life. I haven’t been living it right, for one. And that saddens me so much. Not many people know about it. I’ve been a hypocrite of all sorts, and I wish more people knew about everything so they could call me out on it way earlier. I almost lost a best friend because of it, from breaking her heart continuously, and not really caring what I was doing. Relationships are one of the most important things in my life right now, and I definitely don’t need to screw any more up. I’ve been “having fun” the way I’ve been living, but not actually happy with the way things were. And by “having fun”, I mean doing what everyone else was doing. Falling victim to the normal sins of college students. That’s all I was doing, right? …But I think now, it’s time to make a change. I’m tired of being around weed and drugs and alcohol 4 days out of a week. I’m tired of talking to guys that are totally wrong for me. I’m tired of giving bits of me away. I am stronger than all of that. I used to be, at least. Until I was broken down. I’m regaining my strength though, you better believe it. I have appreciated all of the little things that people have done for me lately. It has made me a much happier person. And I have found someone I can really connect to in many ways, and it’s absolutely wonderful. This person makes me want to be a much better person that I am, and follow what God lays on my heart and in my life. I don’t need to take actions according to my own desires. And I need to be especially patient with everything - especially in the whole dating scene. Too many boys in such a short period of time, and none of them were worth anything I went through. I am remaining single and free of that kind of engagement in my life right now. I need to focus on God and myself, and becoming the person that I want to be. Because I now know what I am looking for in myself, my friends, my decisions, and a future man. I’m tired of people taking relationships so lightly, passing around the word “love” like it’s a dog toy. I want my future relationships with God and other people to have meaning and purpose. To be pursued. To last. That is what I am aiming for, and I just have to be patient in my wanting.